Why Is It Always The Weird Ones
by QueenOfThePolarBears
Summary: "So. It's that time of year again." The time to interview people for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor has rolled around again, and Uraziel gets to deal with some, uh very unique individuals who are applying for the spot this year. (One shot based off of my Hogwarts AU; Bartimaeus and the Something of Something. Takes place the summer before that story starts)


**A/n:** literally don't even look at me. I know I have to update the Hogwarts AU. I'll get around to that sometime within the next two months. Promise. In the meantime I hope you all enjoy this little bit to tide you over until then.

* * *

"So. It's that time of year again."

"Don't remind me."

"Oh come on Uraziel, it's not _that _bad."

"You have too much fun with the pain I go through Solomon."

"Nonsense! I just relish in the fact that it's not me who has to go through this every year."

"Regardless of what anyone might say, you Solomon, can be a cruel, cruel man."

"I need to find amusement where I can Uraziel; you should understand that."

"…_Ugh_."

"Ha! Well anyway, your first interviewee for the DADA professor position should be here soon. And you get to deal with all the freaks vying to temporarily replace Tchue tomorrow remember. Have fun," Solomon said, cracking a grin.

"Yes yes, you have fun too, going off to visit all the muggleborn parents. Don't get hit by a frying pan again. Or a car. I doubt you'd be able to live that one down. Again."

As Solomon left with his goodbyes, rolling his eyes as he walked out the door in bemusement, Uraziel groaned, unwilling to lift his head from his hands.

Solomon was right though; it_ was_ that time of year again.

That time of the year when he had to sit through all the applicants that came through for the revolving door of a position that was the teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Uraziel had no idea why he received so many of them every year. After all, everyone knew that the professors they hired onto the job only managed to stay on for a year at a time, regardless of their level of skill or determination. Something always managed to happen that forced them to leave by the end of their term. There had even been times where they left before the year was even over. With a sigh, he sat up straight, digging the thick folder of applications out of a drawer in his desk as he frowned down at them all. Resisting the urge to slam his head into his desk he opened the folder and surveyed the application sent in by his first interviewee of the day.

* * *

"What's your name?" Uraziel asked, looking at the non-descript woman sitting in the chair across from him.

"Bess."

"... Just Bess?"

"Yes."

Uraziel looked at the nearly blank application he held before giving the woman a polite smile.

"Thank you for coming, I'll be in contact. Please send in the next person on your way out."

* * *

"Your name is... Harlequin?" Uraziel squinted at the parchment, hoping he had read that right.

"Yes, it is." The rotund, old man spoke in an oddly high pitched voice.

"... Do you have any teaching experience?"

"No, but I can assure you that I am adequate with children, and have lots of experience with the Dark Arts."

"You do know that the position is for a _Defense Against_ the Dark Arts professor, right?"

"Indeed I do, and that's why I brought this Hand of Glory with me to help showcase my knowledge."

Uraziel's eyes widened as he looked at what was definitely not a _hand_ of glory that the man had pulled out.

"Oooookay then. We'll be in touch. Please send in the next person if you will...?"

* * *

"Minister Devereaux?!"

"Hello Headmaster!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Why I'm applying for the open teaching position of course!"

"But.. you're the minister. Of magic. You can't be a teacher here."

"Nonsense! I am more than capable of holding both positions-"

"I'm sorry, but no."

"But-"

"Goodbye Minister."

Uraziel felt no shame in shoving Devereaux through the floo back to his own office.

* * *

"Uhm. Minister Gladstone?"

"Yes Headmaster?"

"You are aware that you're_ dead_ right?"

"... I am?" The ghost asked, looking bewilderedly through his transparent hands. Uraziel's eye twitched.

"Yes sir, you are. Now I'm sure that you're aware that I can't really hire a ghost..."

"Nonsense! I'm sure that I'm more than capable of teaching Charms!"

"... This interview is for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position. Not Charms, Minister Gladstone."

"...Oh."

* * *

"... Bartimaeus. What are you doing here. _How_ did you get here?"

"I snuck in earlier, and weeeeeelll, I heard that the spot was open again, and you _know _that I'm such a good, role model student, and since you probably can't find anyone else-"

"Go home Bartimaeus."

"But-!"

"No."

* * *

"…Uhm, Bilqis, what are putting in my tea?"

"Oh, nothing much Headmaster."

"I don't trust you."

"It's perfectly harmless."

"Why are you here."

"Drink your tea Headmaster."

"You're trying to kill me aren't you? Is it because I hired Solomon? It's because I hired Solomon isn't it?"

"Drink your fucking tea."

* * *

"... Professor Makepeace..."

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"You're already a professor here."

"Indeed, but you see, I was hoping that maybe I could switch over from Divination to DADA. I think I would be a wonderful-"

"No."

"Bu-"

"No."

"What if-"

"No."

"Not eve-"

"No."

A sigh.

"Fine."

* * *

A man wearing bright pink robes with an equally eye-searingly bright pink turban walked into the headmaster's office. He was left stumbling though, as a frazzled Uraziel threw himself at him.

"Your name is Khaba right?"

"Yes?"

"You've fully filled out the application, right?"

"Yes...?"

"You're not secretly the Minister of Magic or anything like that?"

"What- No-"

"You're not a ghost?"

"No, what are you-"

"You're not a student?"

"No?"

"You're not going to try to kill me?"

"Uhm. No?"

"You're not already a professor here?"

"No-"

"You're hired! You can move in anytime! Welcome to Hogwarts!"

"Oh! Well then…thank you?"

And thus went the hiring process for that years' Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Uraziel only hoped that the interviews for the temporary History of Magic spot tomorrow went a bit smoother.


End file.
